4 Reasons Why Ryan Gosling Should Date Me

I used to make fun of my fellow pre-teen counterparts, shrieking and convulsing convulsions over 'N Sync members. Their hysterical antics mirrored the head spin of Linda Blair in the Exorcist--I pitied the foo’. I didn’t understand why attraction would make someone that insane…And then I saw Ricky Martin perform at the 1999 Grammy awards—It was love. This Latin god with blond highlights and leather pants: it was destiny. I had his face plastered on my ceiling so when I awoke, our eyes met.

I know what you are all thinking: “grade A freak”, but don’t lie, you know you cried over Devon Sawa, J.T.T. (if you have to ask who this is you aren’t a 90s baby) and Andrew Keegan (what happened to him post 7th Heaven?).

I just knew I could make him fall in love with me if he could just see me; my fierce 10 year-old frame would send him to the moon (and clearly to prison, if he acted on it).  

I swore off divine celebrities and their impossible sexiness the day Ricky came out of the closet. My eager heart could take no more agony from their chiseled abs and jaw lines. That’s until I watched The Notebook. Like every other red blooded American female, I began praying for advanced memory loss so someone handsome would read to me every day.

Everyday my Facebook mini-feed is hounded with images of Ryan Gosling posted by my girlfriends and of course my coworkers and I spend our spare time forwarding pictures of Gosling in sweatpants, shirtless and in low rise jeans; objectifying men post lunch is the best way to kick start an afternoon of productivity.

This post is the result of yet another buzzfeed post of Gosling’s swoon-worthy a*s. A few weeks ago I was angered to find images of Eva Mendez all up on my man; the two of them canoodling in Cabo and love bird-ing it up in Brooklyn. My friends and I had a battle over Gosling yesterday on the F-book. So Kelly, Ali, Rach and my other fellow Goslingettes, here are four reasons why Ryan Gosling should date me over Eva Mendez.

1.  America loves the underdog—so should you Ryan. Sure Eva has legs for days and a smoldering look but I mean...come on, how obvious? As a connoisseur of film and screen writing, you should appreciate the story of the underdog. It’s how Sanjaya made it to round 4 in American Idol, why Rudy was able to FINALLY make the touchdown and of course why Jake Ryan brought Samantha cake and flowers in Sixteen Candles. The proverbial John Hughes formula sets the stage for the awkward ginger to fall in love with the most popular boy in school, Jake Ryan. Samantha (played by Molly Ringwald…duh) then pays it forward to crown Judd Nelson with her diamond earring at the end of The Breakfast Club. How many of you secretly hoped Zack Morris would dump Kelly Kapowski and date Lisa Turtle or Jessie Spano (contingent upon her sobriety for caffeine pills. “I’m so excited, I’m so, so, scared”..I digress)? Ryan, upon reading this you should select the biggest nerd in Hollywood—cue Michael Cera—have him drive Eva home when she’s drunk and then pick me up from my sister’s wedding… And my breasts are MUCH bigger than Molly Ringwald’s. #Winning.

2.  Picking me up will be exercise—which clearly, you are into. Remember that game “light as a feather, stiff as a board”? I never let anyone lift me because I knew I would break someone’s back and they would go home crying. The tears would then ruin our pre-pubescent hormone filled sleepover getting high on Raven’s Revenge candy powder and Surge Soda. I am not exactly waif-like, in fact on dating apps when I have to select “which body type are you”, I always select “more to love”. When you picked up Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love, you must admit how easy it was, puh-lease, she is 80 pounds, I carry that much in my purse. Ryan, you’re into weight lifting and, trust me, I have the lbs. that will make those triceps burn, so let’s recreate the scene from Dirty Dancing.

3.      Incog-negro—discretion is key. Ryan, I’m sure you get enraged by the paparazzi following you around like rabid dogs, waiting to snap photos of you putting money in your parking meter, shopping for organic apples and the farmers market or holdings hands with super models. You can’t do ANYthing without being photographed; there is no privacy. Poor thing. Dating a high profile actress exponentially heightens this issue. If you date me it will be private, because no one gives a flying f about whose hand I’m holding or what cocktail I ordered in Hollywood’s hottest nightclub.

Of course paparazzi want to chase you down with a girlfriend like that. Two celebrities equals double the exposure and pay for the camera hounds. One celebrity and a fabulous nobody? They could care less. We will discreetly cruise around in your Mercedes with blacked out windows and I promise to always push the camera out of my face. George Clooney has this down to a science. He dates Vegas nightclub bottle hostesses and pays for their swan of a transformation. The paparazzi give him a pass and I can get you one, too.

4.      Lars, I’m your real girl. Gosling, you starred in a heart wrenching yet touching indie film about a timid socially quirky hermit that falls in love with a life-size plastic doll. Your human Barbie doll provides a deep level of comfort, companionship, and inspiration. Lars’ (played by you) love was his sole reason to live. Sh*t, Gosling, if you are in search of inspiration, I am a walking Dalai Lama spewing words of inspiration. You will be in awe of me every second of the day, mostly by how much beer I can throw back (I already know Eva can’t handle her liquor…hence her rehab stint a few years back).

Should any of your run into Gosling and Eva do me a favor and slip this blog post into his inbox or better yet his back pocket.  Let him know I’m offering him the role of a lifetime: no auditions necessary. I can promise you something Hollywood can’t…an Emmy.